Have It All
by greysmerderfan
Summary: Post 10.05 One Shot. Meredith struggles with her worries and fears on being a good mother/surgeon, and Derek tries to help her.


**Disclaimer: Yeah, no…I don't own Grey's.**

**Post 10.05 one shot. I thought Derek and Meredith were amazing in the episode, showing the natural transition and challenges that parent's face dealing with work and taking care of 2 kids.**

**Just a little something that came to me, after watching the episode.**

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Meredith was frustrated.

Frustrated that she wasn't a good mom, or a good surgeon. That she had to sacrifice one for the other. That would turn into her mother.

And she couldn't deny that Cristina's words didn't hurt. She was trying, trying to be the type of surgeon that her kids would be proud of and trying to be the type of mother her kids would love. And it wasn't easy.

When she got the call that Zola was hurt, her mommy instincts kicked in. And her having to leave to go into her surgery hurt. Sure Zola probably wouldn't have noticed but it was the point of the matter.

Her mother never stayed with her when she got injured, when she was sick or whenever she needed her. To her mother, being a surgeon was first but she didn't want that. She didn't want to have to choose between doing what she loved and being with her kids, who she loved more than anything.

She was trying, trying to balance everything. Making sure that Zola got her princess tea party so she wouldn't like they forgot about her, and reading the article before an important and rare surgery.

So knowing that Bailey had taken her role in the OR, and Cristina told her that she wasn't as good of a surgeon as she was, she felt like a failure.

Bailey and Callie did it; they found a way to be both surgeons and mothers. And the only thing she was doing was struggling to not like her mother.

She knew Derek wasn't to blame, but right now it felt like she was fighting two worlds. Being a surgeon and being a mom, and the thought that she was failing either, or, even worse both; scared her. She wanted a family with Derek, she wanted to be a good mom but she also wanted to be a good surgeon, to be great.

And now, all she was doing was arguing with Derek.

"You may have never asked me to choose but it feels like you, and everyone else is making me." Mer told him.

Derek opened his mouth to respond, but Bailey let out a large wailing cry.

"I'll go to him." He said, as he walked past Mer.

Meredith tried to calm down but she was too upset. She walked over to the couch and picked up one of Zola's stuffed toys. She had broken her promise to her daughter, which was something she would never forget.

"I'm failing" Meredith said softly out loud.

"No, you're not." Derek replied as he walked over and sat down beside her.

"I promised Zola a princess tea party and it didn't happen, she got hurt and I left her and Bailey scrubbed in on my surgery."

"Zola's okay, kids get hurt and she's surrounded by aunts and uncles who happen to be doctors who love her."

"But leaving her for a surgery? That's an Ellis Grey move"

"Leaving her with a stranger while you're in surgery is one thing, but she was with Karev, who we both trust and knows her."

"I couldn't give Zola her princess tea party." She told him.

"Things happen, plans change…"

"I don't want to her feel left out, like Bailey has replaced her".

"I don't think she feels that way." He said, shaking his head. "The first few weeks and maybe even months will be a bit hard for her, but soon enough she'll be old enough to help out with little things, and I think she'll enjoy it."

Meredith sat silently, soaking up his words.

"Cristina said I wasn't as good of a surgeon as she was." Telling him after a moment.

"Well, she's wrong…" Derek replied.

"She said that I chose a different road, that I haven't been as dedicated as a surgeon as she has."

"That's because the only thing she wants to do is be a surgeon. She has no intention of ever having kids, and that's her choice; there's nothing wrong with it and it works for her, but you; you want to be a mom, and you're amazing at it."

"It doesn't feel like I am." she told him, sadness creeping into her voice. "I let Zola down, I promised her something and didn't go through with it. It's something my mother did with me."

"You are not your mother." Derek told her firmly, he knew what she was thinking and he wasn't about to let it happen. "She never cared, never had anything but surgery on her mind, and didn't care if she missed things."

"But she was the best…"

"And look at what happened. You deserved better, and I know you, you're not going to let what happened with you happen with Zola and Bailey."

"It happened today."

"Meredith," Derek said, shaking his head. "Sometimes, you're going to break your promise. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom, or that you don't care. And most importantly, it doesn't mean that you're your mother." He said firmly

Logically Meredith knew that Derek was right, but her guilt, her mommy guilt overweighed everything.

"Am I a good surgeon?" Meredith asked him quietly.

"What?" He replied shocked, "Mer, you…you're an incredible surgeon and I'm not just saying this as your husband, but as an attending who has seen you from an intern, I've never seen another surgeon like you. You're compassionate, caring; you take risks but only in your patients best interests…don't ever doubt yourself, and don't let anyone, tell you differently."

And he was being honest, he's seen a lot of surgeons, good surgeon; but Meredith had a quality that none of the rest had. It was one of the many things he loved about her.

"How are we going to do this?" She asked him. "I never thought I'd say this, but having Callie here helped a lot and now…."

"It's going to take some time." Derek told her, "It's only been 4 days…"

"And in those 4 days, we had Callie living with us and helping."

"Exactly, now it's just us. We haven't had the chance to be a family, just the 4 of us; and even though having Callie here's been great, we need to find our own routine. Find a schedule that works."

She knew he was right. Callie would move out eventually and now that she did, they had to get back to normal. To their own lives.

"I'm sorry…"

"I understand." He replied, "It can't be easy for people to question your ability, especially when you're a new mom."

"But I'm not a new mom, we did it when we got Zola back. So what's different?"

"Everything. Bailey's a newborn; he needs more from you…your body demands more from you, expects more."

Meredith closed to her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Will it ever get easier?" She asked him.

"Eventually." He replied honestly. "But we have friends who are more than willing to help out when we need them and we just need to…"

"Not promise things." Meredith answered him, finishing his sentence, still upset that she couldn't give Zola her princess tea party.

"I was going to say figure out a schedule. Make sure that either one of us don't have surgeries at the same time, we're both attending's so it shouldn't be a problem."

Meredith turned to him, placed her hand on the side of his face and leaned into him. Kissing him softly, yet firmly.

"I love you." She told him.

"I love you too and you can have it all." He told her. "I promise I'll help you out anyway I can."

"I know." She replied, standing up and taking his hand as she led him to their bedroom. It had been an exhausting day, and she was glad it was over.

Although things weren't resolved with Cristina, she didn't agree with her and she still had her lingering mommy guilt, she knew that Derek supported her and would be there for her in anyway possible and she loved him for it.

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**A/N 1…I loved Meredith yelling at Derek in the episode, it showed how much they've grown and it was an adult, mature and married conversation.**

**A/N 2…I don't think Meredith was blaming Derek when she yelled at him, but when your skills as a surgeon are judged along with the ability to be a good mom, it takes a toll on a person; and Meredith being who she is with the past she has, for Cristina to tell her that she isn't as good, made her feel like she can't be a good mom and a surgeon.**

**A/N 3…I read some tweets about the fight and people worrying, please don't. MerDer are so past beyond the point of breaking up or anything of that matter. They love each other; they will always love each other. Married people fight; it's normal, natural and so much healthier than bottling it all up and ignoring it. Plus, it gives Patrick and Ellen to show off their incredibly acting skills, so I think that's a major plus.**


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